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wow . i have been so fucking sad. im at work rn but its been so slow and cold no one wants icecream on a cloudy day at noon... after being sick i started missing **** quite a bit. i felt like i was processing the breakup really well and had a lot of things looking up for me, work was great and my friends are great and it was sunny and i was so into being creative and stable and happy. i know i am capable without her, which is incredible because i was so anxious about how financially intertwined we were, i mean we were living together for nearly 5 years. but after being sick i started to miss the mundane things; her taking care of me, or going on a car adventure, or halloween shopping. I really miss her face. i really miss when she would play with my hair and we would scream songs together in the car. i think i miss other things too but not as much because there were so many things we would do together that i could tell she didnt like doing. i miss grocery shopping but even after grocery shopping the last few times i would invite her to stay after and eat dinner with zoe and i and she would never really wantttt to. and i remembered the last time i got sick i wanted her to stay, and stay the night with me and she just didnt want to, which was weird to me because i was always made to feel like i wasnt giving her enough, but when i would give she wouldnt take. anyways... i think im just now processing and realizing that she just didnt want to be with me anymore, and thats been the hardest thing to process. these days have felt so dreary and sad. i was dealing with the breakup well because it weirdly felt like we were dealing with it together still, like neither of us wanted this but that we needed it, so we were dealing with being apart, together. but now i just feel totally alone and disconnected, like its truly over forver and thats it. and thers no going back because thers nothing for me to go back to. anyways.... i slept well last night, woke up and got myself a croissant for breakfast, opened the store. i can be sad and thats ok bc i still have myself and always will. ill finish school, become a therapist and have a career, ill be good to myself. hopefully zoe and i will have a car soon and we can do something like go camping.
also it was my little brothers 13th birthday yesterday and it was their first ever birthday i wasnt there for, which makes me extremely sad, but also theyre teenagers now and kinda just wanna hang out with their friends. but still :/ i wouldve bussed down there but i couldnt get the weekend off of work and it was just to late notice to figure out without a car . i called them though and im gonna let them pick out whatever game they want on steam that ill gift to them.
anyways, i think ill end it here, < 3

oh... my... godddddd....... I HAVE BEEN SO SICK!!! Zoe was sick last week, then I got an infected cat scratch, had to have my ex drive me to the ER for antibiotics, i had a low grade fever and finally got home at like 1 am, ordered mcdonalds, and went to bed. then, woke up the next day, immediately hit with the cold zoe had... i guess antibiotics lower your immune system. they also fucked with my stomach too. ALSO i was on my period for like two weeks... I had to call out of three days of work because i was on my period, having stomach problems, had a fever of 102, and coughing like an old man all at once. I am only just today finally feeling okay... as you can probably tell im still very scatterbrained. ive been so dumb and emotional and freaking out for a whole week it felt like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. but my coworkers were literally incredible and helped me with covering my shifts i love them so much. I also hung out on discord with zoes friends a few times which helped me feel like i wasnt rotting entirely alone in my room. I started playing legends ZA and pokemon champions, they have been really fun, and im sure ill share my full thoughts on ZA when im done with it but :/ its a bit of a drag. i also bought brotato today and thats really fun lmfao. ayways, i was really sad last night over my ex and i wrote something silly and posted my first journal entry. something about being really sick made me miss how she would take care of me. but its ok because im really good at taking care of myself. also our friends plex server is back up so im excited to start watching movies again!!! ok this entry was so all over the place im gonna update my keepsakes page for last month a bit more and probably go to bed. my first shift back from being sick is tomorrow , and its just a monday opening which is gonna be so chill, so ill prob update more tomorrow morning too :3 i wish people actually read these and kept up with me....... oh woe is maddy blah blah blah. goodnight :p

its soooooo late and im soooo tired, but also weirdly have so much fucking energy. i keep changing the background setup of the site bc i cant decide what i like the most. part of me just wants to change the entire theme to neutrals bc im feeling cozy for fall. speaking of which, i always feel like i never get the urge to "spring clean" but i always get into a nesting mode during fall where i declutter and reorganize to be comfier.
today was jam packed. zoe woke up feeling ill, so once i finished my therapy in the morning i got ready for an outside adventure to procure cold medicine. i couldnt order it with the rest of our weekly groceries bc some places id you for it, so since i was going out anyways i decided to go to a few other shops ive been wanting to go to. i went to PCC for a lotion ive been wanting, i went to go check out an adult store ive never been to before, and i also went to sephora for a few things i was out of.
then i got home, decluttered our bathroom, showered, made some homemade italian sausage and tortellini soup for the sick girl, decluttered my closet hoard of beauty products, and thennnnnn my coworker SOS texted me that it was super busy at the shop so i went into work for 2 hours and helped them close.
when i got home zoe was already sleeping and i tidied my room, reheated some soup, threw on true crime to zone out and doomscroll while watching. for some reason at 3:30 am i decided it was a great time to work on the site a bit more, but after typing this im actually just gonna go the fuck to bed. i wonder if anyone actually reads these. goodnight !

heeeeeeelllllo. tonight im feeling kinda sad. i cant pinpoint exactly why but i finished Girls tonight. the whole last three episodes were all about letting go and moving past things that were bad for you. i guess that makes sense as to why i would be feeling sad. anyways. today i worked, im working a 5 day week this week and im already exhausted on day 2. my bff liam works with me now, and today i trained them and it was a really nice day at work. it was overcast so not many people wanted ice cream. i wasnt feeling sad earlier, i think i doomscrolled way to logn on ig reels tonight and it made me feel weird bc really what i want to be doing is working on the site and playing cult of the lamb (btw im hooked this game is so fun). i finally got off of my phone but its way to late for me to do eithe of those things now bc im actually so fucking tired. today i got my nick drake cd in the mail and yesterday i got my duck tshirt, which i think is my new favorite article of clothing i own. i think im going to go to bed now, and hopefully itll rain tomorrow and work will be slow so i can just sit and work on my website all day instead of actually working. gn!

watching girls and crying at the ocd episodes.... gn for now

wowwwwww i slept in today (only a little, i woke up at like 10:30 but stayed in bed until just now) last night i went out with some friends, and it was really fun, but it made me think about how it feels to make friends as an autistic person. i remember growing up and always being made to feel like i was really odd, or really loud, or even really annoying. i think i internalized that so deeply that even making friends feels like something im not "allowed" to do. im not sure if that makes sense or if anyone else feels that way. i dont want to go into it to much, as im thinking of creating a subspace on the website where i can deep dive journal on specific topics. maybe in the bedroom page. anyways, i did really have a lot of fun last night. i went to the bar across the street with my coworkers and my girlfriend, but we got a little bored so we just left, went and picked up some drinks and snacks from the gas station, and went back to my place. we tried watching rocky horror picture show because my friends had never seen it, but we were all feeling tipsy and chatty so we didnt really pay attention. we talked a lot about anything and everything, and then we got some mexican food and we all got tired after that. it felt like an early night but they actually left my place at about 1:30 am... lol. i dont feel too bad or hungover today, other than an upset belly. its my day off so zoe and i ordered some groceries, and were just doing our own thing. i wish i was swimming in a nice cold lake rn. well i have a lot of time today so im hoping to do a few updates to the site, im not entirely sure how i want to format the pages i havet done yet, but im sure it will come to me once i get started.

today was weird. :/ im so so so burnt out. i must be pms-ing or something bc i feel so tired, pissy, and hungry. work was fine, it was kind of busy and everyone was annoying me so bad, but it wasnt horrrrrible. i came home, ate some food, and took a short nap, which i regret because now ill be up all night. anyways. today ive been searching for clothes for myself on depop. it honestly really sucks buying plus size clothes because if they are affordable, they are ugly, and if they are cute, then they are 1 million dollars. but today i ordered myself some sweatpants, a tshirt with ducks on it because it reminded me of the sopranos, a hoodie thar says "local milf hunter" and a nick drake cd. i really want to start listening to music again because it was such a huge part of my life growing up and then like 5 years ago i just stopped listening to music (more like stopped trying to discover new music). recently i discovered that i really like leonard cohen and pinback and nick drake. ive also been listening to a ton of 80's pop and venturing. im still watching true crime but really should find something else bc i woke up from my nap today with my heart pounding. i thought also about adding a dream journal here but decided against it because i think my dreams are only for my therapists ears... theyre often super personal crazy trauma dreams. but maybe if i have a particularly interesting one ill throw it on here. i also brought back out my favorite stuffed animal a few nights ago. shes the smudge rabbit from jellycat, and i slept with her every single night but my ex bought her for me so i put her away. i decided to bring her back out and i told myself that what makes her so special isnt the person who bought her, but the love i put into her. it was very comforting. tonight im thinking about camping, winter, and the idea of buying a house, although i doubt i will ever be able to do that. im thinking about creating soft and warm and comforting places for myself, albeit in uncomfortable circumstances. im thinking about bringing your favorite toys to places like the doctors office or the dentist, or choosing to wear comfortable clothing over fashionable clothing. ive always thought that comfort is the most special feeling in the world, but that most people dont feel it correctly. to be comfortable first means to be uncomfortable and feeling uncomfortable is just as special of a feeling, because it leads to change and growth. then after that growth you can surrender and become comfortable for a while. relishing in the growth. anyways. gonna find another youtube video to watch to go to bed and maybe do a few more updates to the site. i still need to set up my shrines, bedroom, and keepsake pages. wahhhhh so much work, but having a creative outlet has felt so good recently. yeah im grinding. gn chat.

im up way to late tonight, i need to open tomorrow morning and i always dread fridays and saturdays, but at least tomorrow is payday! i also have a night out planned for saturday night, but again im not sure how ill feel bc ive been so burnt out this week. i dont have much to say, but i feel very comfy and sleepy tonight. ive been doing a lot of work on the site that im proud of, and i also posted about it on my instagram, so if you are reading this bc u saw my post, hi. ive been watching true crime since i got off work tonight and should probably turn it off. even though i love watching it, it always makes me feel anxious if i watch to much. time to turn on my nightly minecraft video so i can fall asleep. tomorrow at work my friend liam has an interview, i hope i get to work with them. ok goodnight

hi, welcome to my first ever blog post. im writing this rn as im sitting at my dining table, its pretty sunny out and i have to work in a hour... i really dont want to. this week has been really busy and pretty nice too. ive been going through a breakup and keeping myself busy has beena great way to recover. ive been putting my whole dick and balls into learning to code and creating this website and its felt really healing to propel myself into creativity instead of depression. i have a lot of big ideas for this website and a deep hope that itll turn out how i want, and i love that feeling. i think i might have to cancel some of my weekend plans because ive been so burnt out this week i dont know if ill have fun, and i dont want to do things that dont make me feel good. thats been a big thing i want to start implementing in my life more, not allowing myself to sit in a place where i feel uncomfortable or unhappy, whatever that entails. anyways, thats my brain dump. i might write more when i get off work tonight :3