I want to be more in touch with my emotions, not distracted. I'm used to allowing myself to feel my feelings the same way I see a car on the road driving the opposite direction. I know the car is tan Honda CRV, but I have no clue who the occupants are. The music is usually to loud for me to even notice. Sometimes, popping my head out of the sunroof gave me better clarity. I got to feel the rush, the wind, and the wine hit my stomach. Sometimes i could catch a hint of the brown hair of the head of the driver opposite to me, returning home.

I miss you in the same manner. On the freeway, opposite direction, ER.

I can remember the smell of the Shea lotion you bought me when we thought I was dying, and how that was the closest you ever got to proposing to me in 6 years. We made it so long, but not long enough to go to the beach. I would've gotten sand in my vagina like you explained to me S did on the night you took her there without me knowing. Sand would've been preferable over the pill bottle with her name on it that you gave me.

I miss you the same way I started to miss you on your birthday when you went to the bathroom. I looked straight in your eyes, before we ever hit our 1 year anniversary, and I missed you more that night than I ever have. I missed you so bad that it felt the same as when you stick your head out of the sunroof and no matter how hard you try to gasp for air, your throat closes up on its own and wont let itself breath.

I'm thinking of everything you ever gave to me. This next Christmas, I know I will go through the decoration box and find the ornaments you went out to get me from the dollar tree on Christmas eve because we had nothing to decorate our first real tree with. I'm choosing to forget about that box until the time comes because to purge you all at once would be violent.

I want to cherish losing you.

I thought I was doing well, and I was, my therapist would agree. I've been sick since the last night I saw you. Between the google searches trying to convince myself that I'm not dying, I think thoughts I don't dare to ritualize with query, I know the reassurance doesn't exist anymore. I will not trace your name on my tongue with honey again.

I cannot hope you are doing the right thing, or the safe thing, or the smart thing anymore so I will just leave you with this.

I love you, safe safe safe, and safe and comfy sleeping.